Stay With Me
by beautyqueen18
Summary: What happens when Clare loses everything? Can Eli save her, or will she lose herself to her own worst enemy? Rated M for language, violence, rape, self-harm, etc. COMPLETED STORY!
1. Please Don't Go

**A/N: Hey guys, this is my first fanfic, so I'd really appreciate some feedback. I plan on making this multi-chapter just because I have this giant storyline already planned out in my head. I might not be able to update the chapters as soon as you might life since school rules my life, but I'll do my best.**

**I'm rating this T as of now, but it might change to M because I'll be introducing some mature themes in later chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi as much as I would like to. Nor do I own the lyrics to Stay With Me by Celldweller. If I did, I'd be rich right now**.

Chapter 1: Please Don't Go

I ran through the hallways, desperate to find him. The only thing I could hear was my ragged breathing and my feet hitting the floor in a sporadic rhythm. I kept turning corners and running through corridors, but there was no sign of Eli anywhere. I stopped and tears began welling up in my eyes. _What if Fitz has already…._ I couldn't even finish the thought. From a distance, I heard something….it almost sounded like…ELI'S MUSIC. There was a glimmer of hope after all, and I turned to the direction I heard the music coming from.

I ran as fast as I could, following what I could hear, and I finally saw him….I breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed his hand. He didn't look at me. "Eli, we have to go…Fitz has a knife," I said breathlessly.

"I'm not afraid of him," Eli said, his sad eyes meeting mine. I looked at him in disbelief. "No, you don't understand, this is the part where we run….he has a KNIFE." I desperately pleaded…praying the whole time that Fitz wouldn't show up.

And of course, my worst fears were realized. I saw a shadow in the doorway and a glint of metal out of the corner of my eye. I gasped slightly and heard Fitz. "Aw, how cute." He began slowly walking towards me and Eli. I tugged at Eli's arm and began dragging him backwards with me. "Fitz…you should go." I was desperate to get out of this situation.

He let out a sinister chuckle and replied "And what? Let pretty boy make time with my date?" He kept walking towards us. I looked behind me in the hopes that Eli and I could make a run for it, but realized there was nowhere for us to go…it was a dead end. At this point in time, I could care less what happened to me…I just wanted Eli to be safe. I was not above begging. "Fitz," I pleaded, "Please….don't do this."

His eyes flared in rage. "SHUT UP, BITCH!" I flinched at his harsh words. I looked beside me at Eli, who had remained silent up until this point. Eli moved my hand off of his arm and took a step forward, the fear in his eyes apparent. "Fitz…I'm sorry…for everything. You win." He gulped and looked up at his tormentor. The look in Eli's eyes was one of pure regret…regret in knowing that this wouldn't be happening if he had just taken my advice and left Fitz alone….it's always been impossible to fight violence with more violence.

Fitz just snickered and rolled his eyes at Eli, taking a big step toward him. "Yeah, right. As if I haven't heard that before." Eli looked at me with such sorrow, grabbed ahold of my shoulders, and shouted "Get out of here, Clare!" I backed myself into the opposite corner and tears began streaming down my face as I watched Fitz push Eli. "What, no smart ass comments?" Eli looked up and I saw tears welling up in the corners of his eyes when he saw Fitz tighten his grip on the knife. "Please….don't do this…." He begged, the fear increasing in his voice. Fitz raised the knife and yelled, "Somebody's got to shut you up!"

Everything went black as I heard Eli scream and crumple into the floor. Fitz looked at him in disbelief. "Oh, shit…I really didn't mean to hurt anyone…..I was just trying to scare you…." He dropped the knife and ran off. I ran to Eli and that's when I saw it. Blood was seeping through his hands and a large pool was beginning to form on the tiled floor. I collapsed beside him and buried my face in his shoulder as I began crying.

"C-c-clare…." he whispered painfully, "I have s-s-something for you…." He shifted slightly to the side and pulled something out of his pocket. "I….j-just…..want-t-t…you to…k-know how much I…l-l-l-love…y-y-you…." He managed a weak smile again and handed me a small box. I slowly and carefully opened the box. I let out a small gasp when I saw the contents…..A silver ring that had sparkling diamonds around the band, and a light blue sapphire in the middle. It matched the color of my eyes perfectly. As I turned it to examine its beauty, I saw the inscription on the inside. _Love will conquer all_. He reached up and gently took the ring from my hand and slid it onto my finger.

_A promise ring…He was promising his commitment to me…He really loves me…_

I sobbed and took Eli's hand. "Eli….everything's going to be okay. Please, just stay with me. I can't do this without you. I…..I love you, Eli." Eli's pallid face turned up towards mine and he weakly smiled. "Have I told you how b-b-beautiful your eyes are? As soon as I saw t-t-them, that's when I k-knew I l-l-loved you." He coughed and blood began dribbling from the corner of his mouth. I held him and moved his head into my lap. I began stroking his hair and telling him how much he meant to me, never looking away from his emerald green eyes. He chuckled softly and said, "So, I guess t-this means y-y-you like it?" I half laughed, half cried because even on the edge of death, Eli was exactly the same.

We sat in silence for what felt like hours. Our eyes never left each other. His breathing became more ragged and came in short gasps. "I'm s-s-sorry that…this h-happened….B-believe me, if I c-could, I'd ch-ch-ange the end-ending. Promise m-m-me that you'll k-keep living…..f-for both of us…I'll n-n-n-never leave you…." he choked out and tears began falling down his face. His grip on my hand became weaker. I looked into his eyes and laid down beside him, our faces inches apart. I put my arms around him protectively. "Eli…..please don't go….." He gave me one final smile and whispered, "Thank you Clare….f-for g-g-giving me the…..h-honor to…f-fall…in l-love…with….y-y-you….."

With his final words, a long sigh escaped from his lips and he closed his eyes for the last time. I squeezed my eyes shut and wished I could wake up from this inescapable nightmare. My everything, my love, my joy….my Eli….was gone…..forever.


	2. Who Wants to Be Alone?

**A/N: Hey guys, I'm starting to have doubts about continuing this story, so please let me know if I should keep it going or not. **

**Rated M for language in this particular chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi (sadly) nor the lyrics to "Stay With Me" by Celldweller.**

**A/N 2: This is told in Clare's POV, and Eli's POV at a later point. I'm not going to mark the POV switches, but you'll be able to tell in the story. If it gets too confuzzling, leave me a review and tell me to fix it. : )**

**Chapter 2: Who Wants to be Alone?**

How long as it been?

Days?

Weeks?

Time meant nothing to me anymore. Nothing did. Everything that happened after his death was a blur.

My spirit was broken. My heart left in shambles.

Nightmares plagued me every night….It was always the same-reliving the horrid moment of Eli's murder. I'd wake up upright in bed screaming at the top of my lungs and tears running down my face.

Two months. He's been gone almost two months.

I sat on the bed, hugging my knees to my chest. _Eli….Why did you have to leave me?_ I almost expected to hear an answer…but there was only silence, no matter how many times I asked. I looked down at my neck and saw the golden cross necklace I had received as a birthday present when I was four. In rage, I ripped it off my neck and screamed, throwing it across the room.

How am I expected to believe in a God who took the only thing I ever cared for away from me? If God really loved me, why would He do this? I grabbed a fistful of hair and screamed again, frustrated at my never-ending torture of living without Eli.

I was sick of putting up with people's apologies. I was sick of everyone's opinions. After all…

"I should be happy that Fitz was put away for close to life. I should try to move on and get back into the swing of things. I should go to church like normal Clare did. I should go back to school before I get too behind in my studies."

I was sick of people telling me what I SHOULD be doing.

I SHOULD be with Eli….who SHOULD be alive. But he's not. …He's not.

I glanced over to the picture of Eli and me sitting at lunch together. He had his arms folded casually across his chest and was giving me his usual smirk, and I was laughing at him with my mouth wide open and my eyes squeezed shut in glee. Adam took that candid when Eli and I were having one of our many "awwwww" moments. I looked at the bottom of the picture frame and saw the ring.

I was afraid to reach out and take it. I didn't want to go back to that memory. I could only think of what if and why? _What if Eli was here right now? What if he had survived? Why didn't I try to stop Fitz? Why didn't I try harder to protect Eli? Why do good people like Eli have to die? Fitz deserved death…not Eli…never Eli…Why can't I stop thinking about him? What if I never stop loving him? _

Thought after thought after thought bounced around in my mind, making me cry more and more as I thought about these things. I grabbed the picture of me and Eli and held it to my chest, choking back a sob. I curled up into the fetal position on my bed, tears streaming down my face.

Mourning was a physically and emotionally exhausting time period….and my body was too exhausted to continue. I didn't want to sleep…but I slowly began drifting off…and when I closed my eyes, the first thing I saw was Eli's perfect face…

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God, I wanted to hold her in my arms again….for her to know I was with her…that she could feel me when I touched her cheek or hear me when I whispered in her ear. But I couldn't.

I promised Clare I'd never leave her, and I'll be damned if I don't stick to that promise. I was with her through everything…she doesn't remember of course. But I do. I'm doomed to remember. I was with her in the hospital when she was sedated and being treated for shock. I was with her at my funeral when they practically had to pry her off of my casket.

And even now, I'm with her…Every day, every night, every nightmare, every thought. I'm with her.

It's been almost two months. As much as I longed for Clare to return to normal, I had a feeling that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. I couldn't bear to see my blue-eyed angel in so much pain. She knows me. She knows I want her to be happy.

_God, this sucks so bad, _ I thought to myself. _But it could be worse, Eli…you could have been sentenced to an eternity of not seeing Clare period._ _At least I'm with her._

"Eli, why did you have to leave me?"

I know Clare couldn't hear me, but every time she talked to me, I felt the need to respond…just in case by some miracle she'd understand.

_Clare, baby….I could never leave you. I made a promise, didn't I?_

As soon as I finished that thought, I felt something smack my forehead.

_Ow, dammit. What the hell was that?_

I rubbed my forehead and looked down…it was Clare's cross necklace. She never took it off. I heard her scream in frustration and grab fistfuls of hair.

I jumped up off of the floor and ran to her, throwing my arms around her protectively and whispering into her ear.

_Clare, shhhh, shhh….you need to stop. Stop doing this. You're hurting yourself. Calm down baby, everything is going to be okay._

Maybe my words had some sort of effect, because as soon as I finished whispering to her, she slowly calmed down, whimpering as tears streamed down her face.

We both looked to her nightstand at the same time and saw the picture of us. Ah, Clare looked so beautiful…not that she didn't every day. God, she thought something was hilarious….she was making such a goofy face. How could I not love her? I may have been smirking in that picture, but dear Jesus, I was hysterical on the inside. She was the only one who made me that happy.

I watched her glance at the ring. It pained me to see that she couldn't even touch it. It was supposed to be a symbol of love and happiness for the both of us….now it was just a constant reminder to her of loss and pain…

"What if Eli was here right now?"  
_Clare, I AM here…you just don't realize it…._

"What if he had survived?"  
_Then you'd be a lot happier and I'd be a lot less dead. _I smirked at my sarcasm.

"Why didn't I try to stop Fitz?"  
_Blue-Eyes, Fitz would have hurt you too. Your life meant more to me than mine. I couldn't risk it._

"Why didn't I try harder to protect Eli?"  
_Clare….you did. Every time you warned me against fighting, you were protecting me. Of course, we both know I'm a dumbass and I never listen. _

"Why do good people like Eli have to die?"  
_Life's a bitch sometimes. That's why it's so unfair that you're suffering because of me._

"Fitz deserved death….Not Eli….Never Eli…"  
_Yeah, tell me something I don't already know But I have a feeling that Fitzy-boy is gonna get what's coming to him. As for me, I DID deserve it…for not listening to you and putting us both in a shitty situation that could have been avoided._

"Why can't I stop thinking about him?"  
_Because there's a glimmer of hope that you realize I'm here with you…that I'm talking to you…that I'm watching over you. _

"What if I never stop loving him?"  
_Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with that. But due to the circumstances, I figure it would be in your best interest to move on. It's obvious that I'm not going to stop loving you, but you can't let this continue, Clare. You've got so much ahead of you in life._

I sighed as Clare curled up with the picture clutched against her chest. I curled beside her, stroking her hair. I knew she didn't want to sleep, but her health depended on it. I swore to myself I'd make sure she didn't have any nightmares tonight.

I leaned over and kissed her gently on the cheek right as she closed her eyes and began drifting off.

_I love you, Clare. Always have. Always will._

It's funny….she squinted her eyes, as if she wanted a better look…..as if…..she saw my face…..

**A/N: Hope you guys enjoy! Send me a review and let me know what you think/if I should continue this story or not. : )**


	3. So Much On My Mind

**A/N: Sorry I updated this so late guys…..AP Physics is literally owning my soul...I was up last night until midnight finishing my homework. Sorry for the delay! At least I got it up. Remember to review it and tell me what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi blah blah blah, or the lyrics to Stay With Me.**

**Shout outs: Thanks MadameDegrassi96 and BryannaC…I'm going to continue this story for awhile longer….as long as I have at least one person who REALLY wants it to continue, I'll keep it going. :)**

**A/N2: This is rated M, obviously. Drugs, alcohol, self-harm, and a LOT of cursing goes on in this chapter. You've been warned.**

**Chapter 3: So Much on my Mind**

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When I was sure Clare was asleep, I relaxed a little bit. I was hoping, hell, even praying, that she really did see my face for just a split second. Maybe then she'd finally have a good dream for once.

I stretched my legs out and just watched her. It was amazing how different she looked in her sleep….

There were no signs of pain or suffering…she looked so peaceful, so angelic.

I tenderly stroked her hair. My heart was aching for her. How could I miss someone so much when I'm by their side every day? I guess actual interaction would help that, but I figured that would be damn near impossible.

It had maybe been ten minutes when I had finally started to relax for a bit…Maybe tonight I wouldn't have to worry about protecting Clare from her own worst enemy…herself.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I heard Clare gasp. I turned my head quickly and saw she had bolted upright in the bed. Well, no screaming…it was a start. Maybe things were going to look up.

Of course…as soon as I started thinking positively, Clare began crying yet again._ Spoke too soon, Eli. Way to jinx yourself._

I knew this wasn't her normal nightmare...so why was she crying? What had she dreamed of THIS time?

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_I was wearing an elegant white dress. Flowers were weaved into my hair and I carried a bouquet of brightly colored spring blossoms. As soon as I heard the piano music start up, I smiled to myself and began walking slowly towards the one person I was destined to be with._

_Eli looked so handsome in his suit, and the look on his eyes when he first saw me made tears well up in mine. I couldn't believe that I was really his…forever. Once I got to where he stood, he took my hands._

"_Clare….I love you…so much more than you could know. Are you ready for our happily ever after?"_

_I smiled at Eli. "Happily ever after…" I agreed._

I awoke with a jolt. I struggled to breathe and tears started flowing down my face. This wasn't a nightmare; it was worse…much worse.

"Eli…I wish you were here…I wish we could have our happily ever after…"

I couldn't take the pain anymore. It was too much for me to handle. I shakily stood up and walked to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at the shell of what I used to be…

Clare USED to be pretty…she USED to smile all the time…she USED to be normal…she USED…to be happy  
But no…little Saint Clare wasn't here anymore. All I saw in myself was hatred…anger…ugliness…

I looked at myself with disgust. I began shaking with rage and picked up a porcelain angel figurine and threw it at the mirror, smashing it into a million pieces.

I glanced to my left and saw my razor sitting on the sink. The unspoken evils went through my head.

_I need a way out….I need a way out…Anything to kill the pain…._

I carefully picked up the razor and held it to my wrist. "Just one clean cut, Clare. Just one across the wrist and be done with it. It's not going to hurt and you'll feel better after everything ends…." I squeezed my eyes shut and expected to feel the warm rush of blood and the stinging of pain….

…But nothing happened.

"DAMN it, Clare! You can't even kill yourself right…You're pathetic!" I screamed at myself.

I threw the razor down and ran downstairs. I knew my parents weren't home, so I headed straight for the medicine cabinet. I pulled out my father's hydrocodone pills. Yeah, he was in a car wreck. Of course, he needs them more than I do…But I was desperate for any sort of release.

I popped two in my mouth and went to the fridge. I saw a bottle of Dad's whiskey in the back corner. Well, I needed something to wash this down with anyway. I pulled a shotglass out of the cabinet and poured the drink. As soon as the whiskey hit my mouth, I felt like I swallowed liquid fire.

I began spiraling downward….A freefall with no parachute…And I was loving every minute of it.

As I stumbled back upstairs into my bedroom, I looked to the side. My vision was starting to get blurry and I rubbed my eyes furiously. "Christ, Clare…you're hallucinating. Get ahold of yourself."

I collapsed on my bed and went into medicated numbness. No pain. No hurting. God, it felt so good….

Except…well, I do realize that I was so doped up that I was probably imagining it….but…when I was stumbling back upstairs, I could have sworn I saw Eli again. He looked angry and had his arms folded across his chest, as if he were disappointed in me.

I wonder what he would have said to me if he would have known I had done this…

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Ahh, shit. I feel so bad for Clare. If it wasn't a nightmare she had, it might have actually been a good dream. Which means it's my own damn fault for making sure she didn't have the damn nightmare in the first place. _Way to go Eli…always doing more harm than good. _

"Eli…I wish you were here…"  
_I wish you KNEW I was here._

"I wish we could have our happily ever after…"  
_Happily ever after? SHIT! It was a dream about us….this is all my goddamn fault. I'm so sorry, Clare._

I saw the look of pain on her face as I followed her into the bathroom. I had to make sure she wouldn't do anything stupid.

"God, I'm so fucking UGLY!" Clare screamed at her reflection, and I watched in horror as she smashed the mirror with a small figure of an angel.

_Goddamn it Clare, get ahold of yourself! There is nothing wrong with you!_

She picked up the razor. _Oh shit, what is she doing? _I pleaded to God and any other deity I could think of that she'd hear me.

"Just one cut, Clare…just one clean cut across the wrist and be done with it…It's not going to hurt and you'll feel better after everything ends…"

_HOLY HELL! You're trying to commit SUICIDE? What the fuck are you thinking, Clare? Don't do this!_

Right as I saw her press the razor to her wrist, I stuck out my hand instead. God, the pain was awful…for someone who looked so weak and delicate, she sure could press down hard. Fuck. Life may be over for me, but regular pain sure as hell was not. The pain was worth it. I couldn't let her do this to herself.

I sighed in relief as I saw her withdraw the razor from her wrist/my hand. That is, until I heard her scream.

"DAMN it Clare, you can't even kill yourself right! You're pathetic!"

_Clare, would you just stop for a minute and listen to yourself? You're starting to scare me, Blue Eyes. _

She began running down the stairs and I followed her. Too bad I wasn't fast enough. By the time I reached the kitchen, where she was, she was already downing whiskey. God knows what other shit she ingested. This is all my fault. If I wasn't so damn intent on giving her a good dream, she wouldn't be doing this shit right now. Goddamn it, Eli.

She stumbled out of the kitchen and started up the stairs. I quickly ran to the top to make sure she got up safely. I stood with my arms folded and I was honestly mad as hell…and disappointed.

Disappointed at Clare for even messing with this stuff, mad at myself for being the cause of this….and disappointed AND mad as hell that I couldn't make everything better.

She stopped right in front of me and blinked in disbelief. Wait…can she see me?

_Clare! Clare! Please tell me that you're seeing me right now… _

"Christ Clare…you're hallucinating…Get ahold of yourself…"

She rubbed her eyes and blinked again. Then, she shook her head and began stumbling off.

_DAMN IT!_

I sighed, defeated, and walked back into Clare's room. She must have been talking to herself, because right before she drifted off into medicated stupor, I heard her mutter "I wonder what Eli would say if he knew I did this…..?"

_Clare…Eli would say that he loves you. And he'd do anything for you. I don't care what it takes to do it, but I __will__ protect you. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve any of this. You have to stop this, Blue Eyes….I don't want to lose you._

Tears welled up in my eyes.

I HAD to make things right…I just had to…I didn't care what it took…I can't stand seeing her in pain. She doesn't deserve it.

_I'm going to fix this. I swear to God, I'm going to fix this…_


	4. Given So Little Time

**A/N: OMG guys, I am SO sorry I didn't update this yesterday. I was literally running on 2 hours of sleep and I had SO many tests to study for. That's the price you pay when you have AP classes. But anyways, here's the newest chapter. It's not as heavy as the other ones have been, but trust me, it's about to get bad ass.**

**Shoutout: Happy [belated] birthday MadameDegrassi96! : ) Thanks for all your awesome reviews on my story! **

**I don't own Degrassi, if I did, I'd be rich. I don't own the lyrics to "Stay With Me" by Celldweller.**

**Rated M for language [trust me, it'll get worse in the next chapter]**

**Chapter 4: Given So Little Time**

Drugs and alcohol. Not fun. Staying in the hospital for two weeks under medical and psychological surveillance. Not fun. Getting your stomach pumped. Definitely not fun.

Losing the one person who could protect you from anything in the world…not fun.

How am I going to go on like this? Looking back, I realize that I can't turn to medicated numbness and stupor every time I start to lose control. Hell, I've never lost control before. Eli was always there to bring me back to reality and protect me.

He was my rock.

I started school back about three weeks after my "incident." As far as everyone knows, I was in the hospital for an allergic reaction to a prescription. It's a hard thing, coming back to Degrassi. It wasn't as hard as I thought, though.

Sure, I feel my heart break just a little bit every time I walk into English class or pass Eli's old locker, which was constantly adorned with pictures and flowers in memorial.

_Eli…you didn't realize how much people actually cared about you. Now that you're gone, everyone feels like they're missing something…and it's you. You were a great friend to have. Shit, Eli, even Sav and Holly J are taking it hard. You weren't as hated as you thought._

After the first time I didn't have to choke back tears when I walked his locker, I realized that maybe things weren't going so bad for me after , I'm even starting to interact with people like I used to. I actually felt really bad for not trying to talk to my old friends. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who was having severe issues dealing with Eli's death. Adam, one of my best friends, was in a constant state of "zombie.

He sported big bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. His eyes were always bloodshot and watery from too much crying. He walked with a sluggish gait and looked emaciated. I guess the stress of Eli's…..death….was as bad for him as it was for me.

The first time we actually interacted in months was so awkward. I mean, neither of us really had an idea of what to say or how to begin saying anything without causing the other more emotional trauma when we were struggling already with healing.  
But…after so many screw ups and learning what was alright to talk about and not alright to talk about, we began mending our friendship.

Throughout the following weeks, we comforted each other. One of us would have a flashback or swear that we saw Eli somewhere and the other would talk us back to reality and give support when the tears started flowing again.

I got back into the swing of things. Over the course of a month, my grades began rising and I started, very slowly, to get back to normal.

Until one day…an old demon crept up on me.

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Every day that Clare was in the hospital, I was with her. I mean, what else can I do? This is practically my fault for not taking better care of her.

_Jesus, Eli, way to be a great guardian angel…Now she's in the hospital having to deal with God knows what._

But things got better.

I was so happy when Clare started back at Degrassi. Maybe now, she could start living again.

As always, I went with her everywhere. It was hard for her at first…like walking into English class without me, or passing by my old locker, which was surprisingly decorated.

_Hm, I didn't realize I was that well liked. What do you think of that Clare-Bear?_

But anytime her heart started breaking, I would wrap my arms around her and comfort her. Even if she didn't realize it.

I breathed a sigh of relief when she at least started hanging with Adam again. I thought for sure she'd be unable to because of all the memories of us together. It was rocky and a bit awkward at first, but they became close again.

I poked fun at him as well as Clare during those awkward moments. Hoping a little bit of supernatural humor would maybe ease the tension a little bit. Well, duh, they couldn't really hear what I was saying, but it made me feel a little bit better if the situation eased up after one of my trademark sarcastic remarks.

_Eli Goldsworthy. Douche-bag extraordinare. Hmph, I can start printing business cards. Ha._

I felt a little bit bad that I didn't even realize how bad off Adam was until the day that Clare actually approached him. He was still taking it hard. He looked, for lack of a better word, like a grade-A piece of shit.

But he got better as time went on. And so did Clare. Thank God.

Even after Clare started acting more like herself, I couldn't bear to leave her by herself. Not yet. There was always that fear of her resorting to something drastic again. But hell, it's been what? A month? Who would have guessed that the girl who was attempting suicide and getting her stomach pumped was actually…starting to recover?

As she became happier, I became happier. I was her silent "cheerleader" I guess you could say.

_Dear Lord God, did I actually just refer to myself as a fuckin' cheerleader? What the hell is wrong with me? Jeeze, Eli, what are you turning into?_

I laughed at myself for this quite often, but in all seriousness, I went on motivating her and supporting her.

I'd get happier and happier each time she made a breakthrough and transformed again into the Clare I love.

But, not all stories have a fairy-tale ending.

No, of course not. It's too much to ask to let her be happy. To let her recover.

Because one day, things took a turn for the worse.

It was a normal day at school. Clare was walking to her locker to get her books when she heard a lot of whispering and crowding around the hallway a little ways from the cafeteria. She didn't pay it any mind until curiosity got the best of her and she walked to the crowd to see what the fuss was over.

I could only stand in shock behind her and grab her protectively when she and I once again entered a living nightmare.

_Fitz. That bastard. _

I could sense Clare's fear as she saw him. I whispered in her ear, hoping she'd get the message, but knowing it was highly unlikely.

_Clare, you can't let this affect you in any way. Don't let him see that you're upset. He'll play on your weakness because that's what fucking cowards like him do._

What the fuck was he doing here anyway? Wasn't he on you know, jail time for, oh, I don't know? LIFE?

Hello! I'm living, er… dead, goddamn proof that he's a sick psychopath. And they let him back into the damn school? How in the hell can they justify THAT?

Shit, I was already angry, but I became a monster when I saw him make look at Clare, smile, and wink.

He looked just like a snake about to devour a mouse.

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Month three without Eli. 23 days. 7 hours. 42 minutes.

It helped me deal with his loss. Counting, I mean. It was a way for me to cope. Kind of. I admit I still had the occasional breakdown, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the first time.

I thought today was a normal day. I had just left Advanced Trig and was headed to lunch. I saw some kids running down the hallway where a crowd was formed, followed by the normal chatter of "Did you hear?" "Let's go see!" and all that stuff. I figured it must have been a fight that was going on, and it was nothing to pay attention to.

But, as usual, curiosity got the best of me and I decided to go see for myself.

What I saw horrified me.

_Fitz._

_Holy. Mother. Fucking. Jesus._

What in the hell was he doing here? I thought he was in jail! He pushed his way through the crowd, glaring at those who yelled at him to go to hell and to crawl in a hole and die.

_It's so damn unfair. I was given so little time. I start to recover and I start acting normal and I start being fucking happy for once. And for what? For everything to go all to hell from this point on._

I was scared. I tried to hide my face and blend into the crowd as much as I could, but he still saw me.

I'll never forget the look on his face.

A look of victory. Of pride. He even had the goddamn nerve to give me a half-smile, half-smirk…just like Eli did.

And when he winked at me and walked down the hallway, I realized something…

I was like a mouse. And he was the snake waiting to devour me whole.


	5. No Way To Hold On As It Passes By

**A/N: Once again guys, so sorry for not updating this daily. School is murder, plus I have after school drama practice 3 days a week, plus band, plus homework, PLUS college and scholarship applications.**

**Also, I'm really considering making either the last chapter or one of the last chapters. There's been a major lack of interest in this storyline and that makes me think it's time to say goodbye. **

**So, without further ado, here we go. Rated M for language, content, and rape.**

**Chapter 5: No Way to Hold On as it Passes By**

_No…I said it over and over to him. No! No! No! It's not what I wanted. Not at all. But he didn't care. He wouldn't take no for an answer…_

I was going to be dreading the remainder of the school term.

I couldn't believe they let Fitz back into Degrassi. The boy was sadistic. Violent. A _murderer_ for Christ's sake. I knew that he'd be looking for me every chance he got. Over the following days, I avoided the classrooms that Fitz hung around, never walked by myself in the hallways. Shit, I even started carrying mace with me just in case I needed extra protection.

I was always on edge and uneasy. Adam tried to help me as best as he could, but there's only so much he could do. Today was the four month anniversary. Four months without my Eli. Adam walked me to my locker and I proceeded to get my stuff ready to go home. He was ready to take my arm and begin walking me home when I stopped him.

"Adam, I'm really sorry, but there's something I need to do first."

He looked at me with concern. "Are you sure, Clare? I mean, I don't want to leave you by yourself, especially with that…_dick_ running freely around town."

I nodded and smiled a bit. "Adam, I'm a big girl. I'm sure I can take care of myself just fine. I promise I'll call you as soon as I walk in the door of my house."

He gave me a nod of approval and started out the doors. I waited a couple of minutes and left.

_White roses….his favorite. Of course, Clare, wouldn't you know that white roses are the symbol of eternal love?_

I faltered in handing my money to the cashier at the flower shop. This was going to be hard. Harder than I expected.

I took the bundle of flowers and exited quickly. The cemetery was only about 4 blocks away from the shop, and I really didn't have anything to be doing that day. I really felt guilty for not visiting Eli since his funeral. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But today was different. Today, I had to talk to him.

I made a left and headed down an alleyway—the only way to get to the cemetery. Paralyzed with fear, I stopped dead in my tracks.

_Oh God no….Not him…._

As soon as Fitz saw me, I saw his eyes flash with wickedness and a smile slowly creep across his face.

"Well, look who it is…Baby Edwards."

I was scared. Beyond scared. But I'd never let him see that. I regained my composure and said in the firmest voice I could, "Get out of my way, Fitz. I'm not here to see you."

I tried to move forward, but he stuck his arm out, blocking my path. "Oh, don't be like that Clare. Come on…now that the little emo faggot is gone, maybe you and I could spend some, uh, quality time together if you know what I mean. You know how much I like you, right?" I felt anger rise up in me when he glanced at my purity ring and defiled Eli's name.

I couldn't let him get away with this. I shoved his arm down and looked him straight in the eye. "You listen here and you listen good Mark Fitzgerald. I will not NOW nor will I EVER have feelings for you. You think you're so fucking big and bad because you _murdered_ someone? You took away the only person in the world I cared about for your own selfish reasons. You must life a _damn pathetic life_ if you feel that taking another innocent person's life is going to make someone have feelings for you."

Fitz turned red with anger. He grabbed my collar and pulled me close to his face. "He deserved every fucking bit of it. And I'm glad he's dead."

That tore it. I reared back my hand and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. "You know what Fitz? I wish you nothing but endless torment and despair. It's people like you that deserve to die a slow and painful death, and let me tell you one thing, it will be a _fucking celebration_ at the Edwards house when that day happens." I adjusted my shoulder bag and continued my walk to the cemetery.

Fitz must have been royally pissed off. Must have. Because what happened next was something I did not expect at all.

"You….Goddamned…..BITCH!"

I didn't have time to think. I reflexively reached for my can of mace, but Fitz was too fast and knocked my bag off of my shoulder. The bouquet of white roses fell to the ground and there were petals strewn about as I struggled against my attacker. I wouldn't give in. I couldn't. But I did. He was too strong and in my current state, I was in no way physically capable of handling him myself.

He shoved me against a wall, scratching my tear-streaked face. I felt his hot breath against my neck.

"Let me go, or I'll scream." I threatened.

He chuckled. "And what? You want to end up like your dead-ass boyfriend too?"

I gasped as he pulled a knife out of his pocket. He grabbed hold of my shoulders as he whispered into my ear, "I'm going to make you wish you were dead, Edwards."

I clenched my teeth and fought off the urge to just break down in front of him. "No use, Fitz…I've been wishing that for a long time."

His calloused hands began roaming over my body. He snickered and snuck his hand up my blouse. I shook in fear and disgust against his touch. "Don't fight back, Clare. You know what will happen."

I gasped as he roughly turned me around and with strong hands, ripped my shirt open. I tried to cover myself, but he once again reminded me what would happen if I did. My hands were shaking as his fingers trailed over my lace bra. I thought I was going to throw up when he moved his mouth down my neck, trailing rough kisses across my collar bone and over the tops of my breasts.

He slid his hands down to my waist and in a quick jerk, he pulled my skirt down. His hands began to travel down to my underwear. He ran his finger over them and smiled. I shuddered against his touch, fearing what was going to happen next. A look of horror crossed my face as I saw him unzip his jeans and move closer to me.

I tried to tell him no. No, it wouldn't solve anything. No, I didn't want this to happen. But he didn't care. He wouldn't take no for an answer.

I closed my eyes and pretended that I was just dreaming. That it was just a horrible nightmare and I would wake up in Eli's arms. But not even that fantasy could mask the excruciating pain I was feeling.  
Fitz ripped through my innocence, and I cried out in pain. He smacked my face and clapped a hand over my mouth. As he began thrusting, I kept screaming, "STOP!", but no one could hear me.

He grabbed me and shoved me down onto the ground. I lay on the cold pavement, bleeding and bruised. He laughed in my face and snatched my purity ring from my hand. "Looks like you won't be needing this anymore, eh Edwards? Let me know when you want to have another good time with Fitzy."

He turned and left me. Alone. Broken. Damaged. Used. I hurriedly put my clothes on and I just laid in the middle of the alleyway, curled into a ball and sobbing. I turned my head slightly and saw the torn roses closer to the pathway of the cemetery. How ironic. What was once meant to represent love and purity was now torn and defiled. It would never be the same…could never be put back to its original beauty. And neither would I….neither would I.

.

.

.

.

_I couldn't help her. Dear fucking God in heaven, why couldn't I help her? I've helped her before. Why? Why couldn't I do it now?_

_I could only watch in horror as Fitz, the boy who took away everything I am, take the only thing that mattered to me anymore. I tried to step in. I tried to intervene. But heaven-fucking-forbid that I interfere when someone other than Clare gets involved._

_So I stood there and watched. I watched Clare get raped. And there was nothing I could do to stop it._

_My heart…what was left of it…withered up and died, just like I had._

_As much as it hurt me to do so, I had to leave. I couldn't do this. Not anymore._

_I brushed a tear away as I walked up toward the cemetery. I didn't even look at her as I walked past her. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't deserve to be around her anymore…not after I just stood there and fucking watched this shit happen._

_I glanced behind me one last time at Clare. No matter how broken she was, she was still beautiful, and she still held my heart in her hands. I turned back around and felt myself fading into a world of heartbreak and pain... _


	6. So Lead me Into Denial

**A/N: So, I went ahead and wrote the last two chapters just because. This one is super short, but it's a good pathway into the final chapter. Rated M for language and content.**

**Chapter 6: So Lead Me Into Denial**

I staggered back home. Thank God that Mom and Dad were out. I headed immediately upstairs to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and gingerly touched the scratches and forming bruises on my face. I teared up a little, but I stopped myself.

_Goddamn it, Clare. You have to be strong. Eli can't help you anymore, so fight your own damn battles._

I quickly shed my clothes and turned on the hot water in the shower. As hot as it would go. I stepped in abruptly. I didn't care that I was basically getting scalded. The pain made me stop thinking about everything that had happened to me. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed at my skin, until I was raw and bleeding. But I still felt dirty.

I slipped on some old pajamas and flip flops. I found an old paper bag and some lighter fluid in my dad's garage. I put my old clothes in the bag and set it on fire in the back yard. I had to remove all reminders of today. But even though I was getting rid of the material things, the ghosts and memories still would haunt me.

My note was simple. _I can't do this anymore without Eli. I'm sorry. I'll feel no pain. It'll be just like going to sleep. Clare. _

I felt kind of guilty, but this was my only escape. My life was a constant nightmare, and it was time for me to wake up. I went back into the bathroom and fixed my hair and makeup. I looked like I used to. For the most part. I wanted to look like this when they found me. I wanted it to be like in the past.

I went downstairs and found my father's hydrocodone pills. I got a glass of water and made my way back up into the bedroom, bottle in hand. I was nervous. I didn't know how many I would have to take. After much thought, I picked fifteen. Not because I was sure that would do the trick, but because it reminded me of the past….It was how old I was when I first met Eli.

I took the pills as quickly as I could and laid down on my bed. I hoped it wouldn't take long. And that my parents wouldn't get home before it was too late.

I closed my eyes and welcomed the sensation of falling into blackness.


	7. Help Me Forget for Awhile

**A/N: Last chapter guys. Hope you enjoyed it. (And yes, I'm using some dialogue from an OLD Degrassi mini-episode that was aired on YouTube) I'll be working on a new fanfic here in about a week. **

**Chapter 7: Help Me Forget For Awhile**

I was curled up in my bed, ready to fall into a deep slumber. But one thing was stopping me.

"Clare Edwards. Do you realize that you mean the entire world to me?"

"Eli?"

"No, it's Mother Teresa." I could feel the tease in his voice, and I knew he must have been smirking. I rolled over and looked into his stunning emerald eyes.

"Eli, I know. I promise. Believe me, you'd never let me forget it if you had the chance."

He chuckled.

"How did I get so lucky to find someone as amazing as Saint Clare, the most beautiful blue-eyed angel?"

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "Cheesy, but cute."

"You know, I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together."

My eyes began darting around.

"What's wrong, blue-eyes?"

"Eli….we can't."

A look of surprise crossed his face, then a smile once he realized I was kidding.

"And why the hell not, Clare?"

I looked up at him, an uneasy feeling in my stomach. "Because Eli….you died."

He shook his head in disbelief. "If I'm _dead_," he airquoted, "like you say…then why am I here beside you?"

I sighed. "Because Eli. You're still alive in my memories."

He looked hurt. "Does that mean I'm not allowed to stay with you?"

I looked straight at him. "No. You can stay as long as you want. I'll be joining you soon, anyway."

Eli had a puzzled expression on his face. "What do you mean, Clare?"

I reached out and touched his face with the back of my hand. "It means that I'll be dead in a matter of time, and we can finally be together."

He placed his hand over mine. "Now, do you really think that's the best way to handle this? You have so much to live for, Clare."

I moved my hand back to my side. "Not anymore. Not since you left. Ever since then, everything has been a nightmare."

He smiled at me reassuringly. "And death is supposed to help that? You can wake up anytime, Clare. All you have to do is wake up…"

.

.

.

.

"…_..Wake up, Clare. Wake up…Wake up!"_

I groggily opened my eyes, closing them instantly at the bright overhead lights. I rubbed at my eyes, and looked around the room. It wasn't my room….No….it was a hospital room.

"….E-Eli?"

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him sitting beside me. He was dead. Supposed to be anyway.

"What….what's going on? Where am I?"

He gave me a huge grin. "I'll explain in just a minute." He reached over and hit what I assumed to be a nurse call button. "Yeah, no, really….she's awake. Come see for yourself!"

I was so confused. "Eli, seriously, what the hell is going on?"

"Ouch! Saint Clare is using vocabulary that is not-so-saintly? Where are you and what have you done with my blue-eyes?" He said sarcastically.

I reached over to punch him, but my hand was tugged back. IV lines and medical tape ran up my hand.

He must have seen the fear in my eyes and he reached out to calm me.

"Clare…you really don't remember do you? It's been nearly three weeks. Three weeks since the dance. Remember? Fitz tried to stab me after he pushed you into the lockers. Thank God I had my tazer ready when he came at me. Otherwise I would have been messed up real nicely. …I never really understood why my mother insisted that I carry the damn thing around, but now I'm pretty glad she did. But anyways….he got arrested. No plans on being out anytime soon, but he has apologized, especially when he found out what happened to you."

I was going back through my memory, but all I could remember was Eli dying as I watched from a distance in horror.

"So…..what happened to me…?"

A look of seriousness passed across Eli's face. "Clare, you had really bad head trauma. You were practically in a coma…I didn't leave your side…I was waiting for you to wake up. The doctors told me not to waste my time…that the longer it took for you to wake up, the less likely it was to happen."

Tears began brimming up in his eyes. "But I couldn't believe them, Clare. I knew you were a fighter. That you could never leave me if you had anything to do about it. I don't know what I would have done I would have lost you."

He wiped at his eyes, and a very shocked nursing staff, along with two doctors, Adam, Ali, and my parents, all ran into the room.

There was a cacophony of voices mixing together about a miracle recovery, lots of hugs, and certainly lots of tears.

I cleared my throat. "As much as I'm happy to see all of you, I'm not going anywhere for awhile, and I'd really prefer to have some alone time with my boyfriend." There was a silent, understanding "Ohhh," that was emitted and the crowd began filing out of the room.

"Clare, I don't think I've told you this that much…but I really hope you realize that you mean everything to me."

I smiled at him, feeling a vague sense of déjà vu. "Eli, I know. I promise. Believe me, you've never let me forget that. Especially after now."

He chuckled and took my hand.

"You know, I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together."

I saw his eyes glitter with happiness as I rested my hand on top of his and replied, "You know….I can't wait either."

He moved his hand and motioned for me to hold on a second. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small box. "You know, I was saving this for the dance, but unforeseen circumstances prevented me from giving it to you when I had planned on it. Here, open it."

That box looked so familiar. I opened it slowly, and gasped. It was a ring.

"I promise that I'm yours, Clare. Forever."

He took my hand and put the ring on it. I leaned over to kiss him.

"I don't know what I'd do without you in my life, Eli….but I do know that it wouldn't be worth living without you."

"Clare, I'm flattered, but you have so much to live for, regardless of me or not."

I chuckled. "I know. But I don't want to try unless I have you with me."

He smiled. "So, I guess forever sounds like a good plan then?"

I laughed. Genuinely laughed. "Yes, Eli….forever sounds like a good plan."

**A/N: MWAHAHAH. Bet you weren't expecting that, huh? Let me know what you thought! : )**


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